I'm coming....home.

For the past five months I have been living in Uganda. Come November 9th I will be back in the US. My time here has flown by faster than I anticipated. How is it already time to go home? I have only written a few blog posts (sorry), there are so many things and places I still want to do and see, I still feel like I just got here. Time definitely is an odd thing. All this time has flown by but what have I learned? How have I changed? Where have I become stronger? When I look at myself do I see change? Nothing is really different besides maybe a couple extra pounds of beans, posho and a hint of I don't care. I have the same struggles the same insecurities the same prayers. The funny thing is, I am absolutely not the same person I was when I left. I have changed, I have learned and I have become stronger, I just may not see it right away.

The best way to describe how I feel right now is a variety pack of emotions. I am excited, I am happy, I am ready, but I am also sad, I am regretful, I am heart broken. Why does my heart have to live in two different continents? California seems so far away, but when I get there, Uganda will seem like an unfathomable distance. I look around and there are so many things I will miss, so many things that it pains me to not be part of my daily routine. 

One of the emotions I am feeling is fear. I am scared to go home, what will I go through? How will my “ American life” affect me? I am afraid to leave because I don’t know when I will come back. I fear all the questions, how was Africa? What did you do there?...I am afraid of how I will answer those questions, I am afraid my responses won’t give my experience justice or show how powerful and loving God is. I am afraid that the people I love wont understand, wont care, and wont give me the space, time, or care I may need. Maybe I will be fine, maybe I will just go back to life and just trust that the Lord has a plan for me, and he will send me back when its time. I shouldn’t be afraid. I have lived here, I have experienced a completely different life, and no words, pictures or stories will ever allow you to truly understand what theses past five months have meant to me. 

I started this blog as a way to let you in on my life, my life here in Uganda. I am sorry for what it has turned into, a delayed story of mere segments of my life. So much has happened and I have barely touched on any of it. My life here is more than trips, parties and things on a social calendar, and please forgive me for making it seem that way. 

Everyday as I walk to work and greet every person I walk by, I experience joy. Everyday as I greet the ladies and hug their beautiful children I experience Love. Everyday as I attempt to do a job I have no idea of what I am doing I experience growing pains, I experience stress, I experience frustration, but I also experience perseverance. Everyday as I share a home made meal with friends I experience community. Every night as I look into a star filled sky I experience beauty. Every night as I climb under my mosquito net and into my bed I experience comfort. 

 I keep finding my self saying, “ I am going to miss this” or “ life is going to be weird without that’. I have lived a completely different life here, and I am going to have to make some adjustments. There are a few things I wont miss; cockroaches, showers that aren’t easy, comfortable or warm, mosquitos...but I have lived with theses things, and they wont stop me from coming back. 

I want to continue living a life that demands explanation. I don’t want to do what is expected, but what I am called to do. If that means travel to the most broken places, so be it. If that means stay in the states and do a regular job, so be it. I just want to be used, I just want to live my life for God and have my life have a purpose. 

I don’t think I have fully faced the reality that I am leaving, but I think I am starting to feel it. My eyes tear up driving through town, or sitting with my ladies, or looking into the eyes of a beautiful stranger. I am starting to feel the pain of a heart break I don’t think I am ready for. I don’t know what it will look like when I fully feel it, and when I finally face my reality, but I find comfort in knowing that God is big and he will give me peace, bring the right people to walk me through this, and let me know that I will be okay and what I am feeling is just a tiny hint of what he felt with Jesus; true, everlasting, unconditional love.

As much as I don’t want this chapter of my life to end, I cant hide the fact that I am excited for what is to come. 

I am excited to come home and continue my Journey with Remnant Uganda. My two months turned into five and my internship turned into a partnership. I am now the Director of Logistics and Events for Remnant International and I couldn’t be more excited. The fact that I get to continue working with and for the amazing Remnant ladies , even if it is state side, makes my heart happy. The fact that I get to work along side four amazing 20 something ladies, makes me feel blessed and really excited for what is in store for Remnant. 

I am excited for the many hugs, dinners, and time spent with family and friends.I am excited for the food I haven’t been able to eat, the beaches I haven’t been able to run and the car I haven’t been able to drive. I am excited to go back to school, be apart of the Not For Sale club, go back to church, be apart of the HS ministry; join a new life group.

I am excited for the time I will have. I am so happy that I don’t have to go back to the US and hop into a million and one things, that I am able to have time to reflect, process and adjust. I am hoping to just spend time with people while doing baby sitting and small jobs here and there. I’ll get a “real” job when I am ready to go back to school, and until the, I just want to take it slow. Life is too short to rush; I trust that God will provide for me, and he already has. I am excited to move back in with the Tabers and just bless and be blessed by an amazing family.

I am excited to see my change, as I face different things in life and maybe surprise myself by how I react, how I handle it or just be able to not let it get to me. I am excited to see how differently I see the world, how I look at and treat Gods children and I am hoping that I may be able to see a little more clearly, how Jesus sees us. 

I don’t really know what is next, or when I will come back, or where my next adventure will lead me but I will be ready, ready to just GO, ready to be used, and ready to explore. Dream. Discover* 

Thank you for walking alongside me on this journey, keep posted for my next adventure...where ever that may be.

*Mark Twain