I by no means am a blogger. To be honest I don’t really know what I am doing. We live in a funny world where people who write on the Internet get famous. When you think about it, it makes sense. So often we look up to celebrities but they are so far up there that its hard for us mere mortals to connect with them. Why do you think magazines have the “Stars are like us” page, they are trying to close the gap between regular people and famous people. Most of us cant blow $1000 on dinner or have multiple iphones, but people who write blogs are usually just normal people who have something to say, something to teach us or are just willing to be vulnerable about their life and the lessons they learn, to a bunch of strangers. I don’t fully get how people make money writing blogs but it is a new era, and unfortunately people would rather read news and articles on the Internet than the real thing. Writing blogs is like the new column writing, move over Carrie Bradshaw you have a lot of competition these days.
Lets face it, I probably won’t write often and my writing wont blow your mind, but I am going to give this a try. I don’t expect people to read this and I don’t care if they do, I see this blog as a place for me to document stories, and lessons I learn. The way I see it, I just have a new, really clean, journal that wont be tarnished by my boyish handwriting.
Something I have learned about myself is that I am not very good about communicating how I feel, I am not a verbal processor and often times I don’t even process things. So unhealthy I know, but I am working on it. I spent the last 5 months in Uganda with an amazing girl named Stefanie. Stefanie and I met in 2010 on my first, and her second trip to Uganda with our church ROCKHARBOR. Stefanie is the verbal processing queen, and she always pushed me to communicate my thoughts. I didn’t always enjoy her questioning, trying to get me to explain myself but it did help, and it really opened my eyes to how quiet I am when it comes to how I feel. I want to be better at this because I know that it is not good to let things build up and get to a point where it can get ugly, if I don’t speak up I can end up creating feelings of bitterness or resentment and that is good for no one.
I am learning a lot about myself, a lot about who God is creating me to be and a lot about who God is. Things that I thought I was I am not and things that I didn't think I was, turns out I am. This is life though, change happens everyday and I am open and willing to be fully transformed by the love of Christ, even if that means being uncomfortable, being broken, and peeling off every layer of myself that covers up who God wants me to be. It doesn’t sound fun, yes I am fully aware of that, but I absolutely think that it is necessary and worth it. Why would I want to be the me I create when I have the opportunity to be the me that the creator of the world created?
I think I grew up a lot in Africa. Even just looking at pictures from the day I left the US to the day I left Uganda. I left as a girl and came back as a woman. Wow, so I guess this is what growing up feels like. My last night in Kampala I sat across the table as I tried to fully receive all the affirmations Stef was giving me and I think I was actually able to believe in what she was saying. The way she spoke about me made me question if I was really the person she was saying all these great things about. I think I am finally at a point where I can believe it, where I am willing to see the person God is creating me to be. I have many flaws and insecurities, but I am a work in progress, and I am thankful for people on the outside to tell me about the person I don’t see myself as. I by no means think I am this super amazing person, but I am able to have confidence in who I am and finally have a grasp on what my strengths are...well sort of.
My life is in a totally different place then I imagined it to be. I never would have looked to my future 22 year old self and saw the person I am today. That's the beauty of life, besides the fact that its not mine to dictate, but the fact that we change everyday. Everyday we see more clearly what God wants us to see, and what he has placed on our hearts. There is no equation to follow and there is no ideal to hold on to, simply throw your hands up and give it all up to the Lord, trust me, you will be surprised and excited by where you end up.
I don’t want my life to make sense, I want people to question why I do what I do, I don’t want to fall into a series of steps: graduate high school, go to college, find love, graduate college, get married, have babies, die. That doesn’t sound appealing to me. I want all those things yes, but do not expect me to just follow the instruction book of life some man created. I will graduate college when I graduate college. I am thankful for the time I took off, I have a much better picture of why I am studying what I am studying, and I now have hands on experience in what I may want to do. I am not planning on making a lot of money anyway so whats the rush of trying to graduate when I can do what I love (for free) while still expanding my brain. Hey, maybe one day I will make money working for an NGO, or maybe I will be a nurse, or maybe I will do something completely different; I just want to do something that has a purpose, that isn't just putting a band aid on something or just aiding a problem until eternal death.
A chapter in my life is now closed, but a new one is beginning...watch out world I am ready to take you on!
MJS
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